100+ Questions to Ask a Master Before You Submit

Nobody vets a Master for you. There's no HR department in kink, no reference check that happens automatically, no one making sure the person you're about to hand real trust to is actually who he says he is. That job falls entirely on you. A Master worth submitting to should never be uneasy about being asked hard questions, if anything, he should welcome it. Below are 100 real ones, organized by topic, with a short note under the ones where the point of asking, or what a good answer actually looks like, isn't obvious on its own.

Experience & Track Record

1. How long have you identified as a Dominant/Master?
2. How many D/s relationships or dynamics have you actually been in, not just talked about?
3. What's the longest dynamic you've maintained, and how did it end?
4. Have you ever taken a slave's collar off, or had one refuse yours? What happened?
   Watch for whether he takes any responsibility for how it ended, versus placing all the blame on her.
5. What did you learn from your last dynamic that changed how you do things now?
6. Were you mentored by anyone, or did you learn entirely on your own?
7. Have you ever had submissive feelings or served anyone yourself?
8. Have you ever run more than one dynamic at the same time? How did that work?
9. What's a mistake you made early on that you wouldn't make now?
   A Master who insists he's never made a real mistake usually means he hasn't reflected honestly, not that he's actually flawless.

Structure, Rules & Expectations

10. Are there written rules, or does everything live in your memory?
11. What does a normal week actually look like in this dynamic?
12. What's expected of me before we've even met in person?
13. How is protocol introduced, all at once or gradually?
14. What happens if I forget a rule I genuinely didn't know existed yet?
15. Is this dynamic 24/7, part-time, or does that evolve over time?
16. How much of my life outside the dynamic do you expect visibility into?
17. What decisions are always mine to make regardless of the dynamic?
18. Do rules ever change unilaterally, or is there a process for that?
19. Would there be a trial or probationary period before anything permanent, and what does that actually look like?
    Rushing straight to something permanent without ever testing compatibility first is a red flag.

Limits & Consent

20. How do we establish limits before anything happens?
21. What happens if I want to revisit or change a limit later?
22. What happens if I say no in the moment?
23. Have you ever pushed past a limit, intentionally or not? What did you do afterward?
    What he did afterward matters more than the fact it happened once. Look for real repair, not just an apology.
24. Do you use a safeword system, and has it ever actually been used?
25. What's the difference, in your practice, between negotiable and hard limits?
26. How do you check whether consent is genuine versus me just not wanting to disappoint you?
    A good Master actively watches for you agreeing out of a desire to please rather than a genuine want, he doesn't just wait for a no.
27. Will you ever ask me to do something illegal?

Safety & Disclosure

28. What's your approach to physical safety during scenes or punishments?
29. Are you currently in other dynamics or relationships I should know about?
    This should be full disclosure, not just a yes or no. A vague or incomplete answer here is a warning sign regardless of what the actual arrangement turns out to be.
30. What happens to my access to medical care, my own doctor, decisions about my body?
31. How do you handle scenes involving impact, breath, or other higher-risk activities specifically?
32. Do you use check-ins or non-verbal cues during scenes to make sure I'm still okay, especially in moments when I might be nonverbal or deep in subspace?

Discipline & Punishment

33. What counts as a punishable offense versus something you'd just talk to me about?
34. What kinds of punishment are on the table, and what's off it permanently?
35. Has punishment ever crossed into something that felt like abuse, in your own past dynamics?
    This is meant to see whether he can honestly own a real past mistake, rather than deny anything ever went wrong.
36. How do you separate discipline from anger?
37. Do you ever apologize or admit you were wrong after disciplining me?
38. Is punishment ever sexual? If so, how do you think about that line?

Communication & Conflict

39. How do we resolve it when we disagree?
40. If you overrule my opinion, do you explain why?
41. How do you want to be told when something isn't working for me?
42. What's your response, historically, to being challenged by a slave?
43. Do you get defensive when questioned, or has anyone told you that you do?
    Defensiveness itself, more than the specific answer given, is often the real tell.
44. How available are you day to day, realistically?
45. What's your communication style when you're upset with me?
46. Have you ever gone silent or withdrawn as a way of punishing a partner?
47. If you're wrong about something and it hurts me, what does making it right actually look like from you?

Accountability, Reputation & References

48. Do you have any standing in the local or online community?
    No standing isn't automatically a red flag, some Masters value privacy. No standing combined with refusing to be vetted at all is.
49. Can I speak to a former slave or partner of yours?
    A real Master should be able to actually connect you with someone, not just ask you to take his word for it.
50. Are you willing to be vetted by people I trust?
51. What would your last partner say if I asked her how you treated her?
52. Do you hold yourself to any written rules or standards, the same way I'd be expected to follow yours?
    This is the same reason this household writes everything down in a handbook, including the Master's own responsibilities, not just the slave's.

Aftercare & Emotional Support

53. What does aftercare actually look like with you?
54. How do you handle it if I drop hard after a scene?
55. How do you check in on my emotional state day to day, not just during scenes?
56. What happens if I need space or distance for a while?
57. How do you handle it if my mental health takes a real downturn, not just a bad week, but something like depression or a crisis?

Identity, Autonomy & Outside Relationships

58. What parts of my identity or independence do you expect to change?
59. Do you expect me to give up my job, friendships, or financial independence?
60. How do you feel about my relationships with friends and family outside the dynamic?
61. Will I still be allowed to disagree with you in front of others?
62. What happens to my own goals and ambitions in this dynamic?
63. How would meeting your friends or family work, would I be introduced as your partner, or kept separate/hidden, would they know about our dynamic?
64. Would you ever ask me to distance myself from a specific friend or family member for any reason? How would you approach that?
    Isolating you from your existing support system is one of the clearest warning signs there is, no matter how reasonably it's framed.

Long-Term Vision & Ending the Dynamic

65. Where do you see this dynamic in a year? Five years?
66. What does "ownership" actually mean to you in practice, not just in theory?
67. Is marriage, cohabitation, or children part of what you're looking for?
68. What would make you end a dynamic?
69. Have you ever ended one? Why?
70. What's non-negotiable for you long-term that I should know now?
71. What would my retirement look like? Do you have any thoughts on that?
72. What happens if I develop a permanent illness or disability that limits how I can physically serve you?

Finances & Practical Security

73. Is there any financial component or expectation in this dynamic?
74. Who controls finances, if that's part of the dynamic at all?
75. What happens practically, financially and logistically, if the dynamic ends?
76. What happens if I want to leave in the future? Would I leave empty-handed? What kind of security do you provide?
    Depending on the dynamic you agree to, you may own nothing. Ask directly whether he has any real plan or idea for what happens if you ever want out.

Romance, Daily Life & Household

77. Would you be romantic with me? When, and what would that look like?
78. Where would I sleep?
79. How do you handle differences in sex drive or desire between us if they show up over time?
80. What's the smallest, most mundane way I'd feel your ownership on an average Tuesday?

Growth, Service & Learning

81. What's something about serving you specifically that would be different from serving any other Master?
82. How do you like to be served? Do you want me to anticipate what you need, or do you want to give me explicit instructions?
83. If I genuinely don't know how to do something you've asked, how do you want me to handle that, ask, guess, or try and fail first?
84. Is there room for us to just be casual together, or is protocol something you expect maintained constantly?
85. Would you want to have more slaves in the future? What would that look like for me?
86. Do you ever read books about being a Master? Is there anything you've learned about that?
87. Do you ever read books about being a slave? What is your favourite book and what is the most interesting thing you've learned?
    A Master who makes the effort to read a slave's own perspective will understand you better. If he names a book, consider reading it yourself too.
88. Are there any particular skills that would be useful to have for a slave in your service?
89. Would you want me to learn skills for you in your service? How would you support in that?
90. Would I be able to ask for a day off from my duties if I need it? Do you have a system for this? How does that work and what would happen?
    This is aimed at stricter, service-oriented dynamics specifically. Being able to take a day off occasionally isn't unreasonable to expect.

Ritual, Belief & Marking

91. Would I be expected to convert to or adopt any particular belief system, spiritually or otherwise?
92. Would there be a formal collaring or naming ritual, and what would that actually involve or mean?
93. Would you ever expect me to change my appearance, weight, or style, and how would that be handled if I disagreed?
94. What's your policy on drugs or alcohol, yours and mine?
95. Would you want me to wear a collar permanently?
96. Would you want me to wear chastity permanently or even part-time?
97. Would you want me to have some kind of slave tattoo or branding?
    This is permanent and irreversible. A Master pushing for this early, or making it a precondition, is moving faster than trust has actually been earned.

Family & Children

98. Would you want to breed me? How do you envision raising kids in this dynamic? Anything that would be different from a 'normal' relationship?
99. If we ever disagreed about how to raise children, whose decision would carry more weight, or how would that actually get resolved?

Presentation to Others

100. What would I actually call you day to day, and does that change in front of others versus at home?
101. How would you introduce me to strangers or new acquaintances, by name, by role, or something else?
102. Would there be any speech restrictions in the dynamic? Could you give me some examples?
103. Would there be any eye contact restrictions in the dynamic? Could you give me any examples?
104. Would you expect anything of me in public?
105. Would there be a dress code, and does it differ between private and public settings?
106. Are there posture or body language expectations, how I stand, sit, or carry myself?
107. Would I need permission for everyday things like eating, drinking, or using the bathroom, and does that change in public versus at home?
108. How would you want me to behave around other Dominants or their slaves, is there protocol for that specifically?
109. Would there be any restrictions on phone or technology use, and does that differ in public versus at home?
110. Is there a specific way I'd be expected to walk or position myself near you in public (behind, beside, a step back, etc.)?

Inner Life & Recognition

111. Would there be space for me to have private thoughts or feelings I don't have to share with you?
     Real ownership doesn't require total transparency of your inner world, only of your actions and choices within the dynamic.
112. Would you want me to keep a journal, and would you ever expect or want to read it?
113. If I successfully completed something difficult you asked of me, how would that actually be acknowledged?
     A dynamic built only on punishment, with no real acknowledgment of effort, rarely lasts.

If you'd like to ask me any of these questions directly, I'd rather you did. Reach out through the Join the Family page.